I'm wide awake. My mind is racing. I'm wide awake. My mind is racing. I'm wide awake. My mind is racing. I don't remember the last time I bolted out of bed to get to my computer. There are just so many jumbled thoughts running through my mind. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, boring thoughts, all taking up precious real estate in my head. So I'm here, wide awake, way past my bedtime, warming my hands on a cup of tea, whilst typing away furiously to get all these thoughts down... out.
I have so many things I want to do. So I start all of them, and finish none of them. A series of half eaten projects strewn around my desk, my life. Half read books, half written blogs, half executed rituals, even half thought thoughts. I think right now, I must have bookmarks in three different books, the pause button has been hit on my audio book app, and I'm getting ready to buy another book on the 'hows to happiness' off Amazon. My journal has a plethora of notes taken from the last, I don't know, five trainings and workshops, just waiting to be organized and sorted. All the raw material is there, but it seems to have exploded everywhere, and now I don't know where to start.
Mom says write. Mom says just pick up your pen and write. Pick up your pen and write down your experience from this past year of learning. Write down your thoughts on Happiness. Write down your feelings of joy, your sensations of success. But writing about smiling and laughing is so much harder than writing about crying and pain. And the truth is, I just don't know where to start. It's all such a mess. All the information, the notes, the experiences, the feelings, the thoughts, the doubt. The doubt. Because that's there too. Now wrap that up in a huge sheet of procrastination, and it looks like nothing will ever leave this brain of mine.
So I'm here, thirty minutes to midnight, writing without editing, trying hard not to spell check, just getting it all out. I feel.... grateful. Grateful and a bit scared. Scared of what I've learned. Scared of my potential. Scared of my edge. But grateful that I have an edge to go to. Grateful that I am open to soaking up knowledge. Grateful that I am here, right here in this moment, thinking what I'm thinking and feeling what I'm feeling.
I don't let go easily. Now I'm going to let that go, and start just letting it go. Letting it go and letting it show. I called an old friend of mine a few days ago. Long story short, I said I'm sorry and I love you. And that was that. Let it go. I wrote to another friend on that same day. Long story short, I wrote I'm sorry and I love you. And that was that. But it wasn't just that. I've been carrying that letter with me for awhile, wondering if I might hear back. Wondering if I made the right choice by sending it. But there is no right choice. There is just 'what is' and 'what isn't.' And that was that. Let it go.
I recently did the Landmark Forum training. I've never felt more in touch with myself as a human being. There's no possible way to explain what i learned. So I won't. Instead, I'll write how I felt. Free. Happy. Motivated. Free. Excited. Grateful. Free. Free. Free. Free. Free. I am a human BEING. I have strengths, weaknesses, pain, joy, tears, attachments, resentments, histories, stories, memories, experiences, karma, conscience, love, fear, faith, trust, and the list is endless. And none of it means anything. It's nothing I can hold onto. It's nothing I can relive. It's nothing I can go back to. So if there is nothing, then there is... EVERYTHING. There is the possibility to be whoever and whatever I want. I used to say I want to be Beyonce, but now I know I WANT TO BE ME. Who says thirty is too old to make music? Who says thirty is too old for babies? Who says I won't ever travel the world? Who says I can't sing? That I'm past my prime? That it's all downhill from here? Who says?
I am a world traveling singing yogi mommy. I have more love in me than I know what to do with. I will travel the world sharing this love, making people smile, all the while creating a beautiful family of my own. I can and I will. I will audition. I will start a band. I will dance for fun. I will teach and practice yoga. I will get pregnant. I will get married. I will buy a house. I will see the world. I will go skydiving. I will do a forearm stand. I will walk a red carpet. I will write a book, record an album, go on tour. I will perform onstage. I will eat amazing food. I will donate to charity. I will share my wealth, my health, my happiness. I can and I will. That is the possibility I am creating for myself.
Maybe I'll go to Puerto Rico. Flights in February are reasonable. I can stay in an Airbnb, eat locally, write and read by the beach, and dance salsa all night! (Or at least til 10pm) And I can maybe teach some yoga, and practice some while I'm there. Hmmmm.... Sounds like a good plan.
Okay, now I'm getting a little sleepy. I'm happy I took some time to jot this all down. I will revisit this tomorrow, and fingers crossed, maybe more words will come for me to put down. Adios New York City. Thanks for listening to me tonight.
