Why the HP?

So I'm currently reading 'The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and though this is the second time that I am attempting this book, this time it's actually beginning to sink in.

Gretchen Rubin's scientific and research based approach to her happiness has inspired me to do the same. That paired with "Happy" the documentary, and I'm practically hooked on cultivating my own secret formula to happiness.

First, I have to start with: "What makes Elle happy?" and the answer is quite simple, it's love. But then it starts to get complicated, when the joy comes from 'being in love.'

I'm the happiest when I am in a relationship. This is pretty much an unavoidable part of my make up. I've tried for years to embrace single-dom; to "fly solo," but it just doesn't compare to sharing my life with someone I'm in love with. But I started to notice patterns and habits, as each relationship (there haven't been that many) would ride out it's course, and eventually come to a close. Some ended bittersweetly, while others downright crashed and burned. And it wasn't until my last train wreck of a partnership hit the fan, did I begin to really examine the patterns and break the habits. But before I could do that, I had to really look within myself to see what part I played in love's demise (because let's face it, it's not always the heartless other party's fault. And this is very hard to admit, much less declare in written form).

I came up with a pattern/habit list. As I cannot speak for anyone else but myself, the list pertains to me. Here goes:

-I fall hard and fast, and lose my head the minute I decide I love someone.
-if it's not passionate and full of drama, it's not love.
-once a relationship starts, the part that is Elle becomes smaller and smaller.
-I'm a 'we' person, and I tend to forget about the 'I' person.
-I ignore red flags, because I believe I can change people.
-I like to control others, which sometimes can lead to mental and emotional suffocation.
-once I'm in love, the confident, easygoing, independent girl turns into a jealous, overbearing, insecure one.
-when the end is near, I'm usually so mentally lost and emotionally exhausted, that I can't decide if I should stay or leave.
-I can't let go
-I beat the dead horse

My mother used to warn me against falling in love. She always said that 'the minute I fall in love, I stop being cute, and start being crazy.' So she would tell me to try and keep my 'dosage of thunderous love' at a bare minimum.

As I examined and poured over these habits and patterns, I figured out the main culprit: I relied on the relationship to make me happy. So ultimately, I was relinquishing the driver's seat of my own happiness to whoever it was that I fell in love with. Not very smart. No wonder why I was getting lost. I wasn't the one driving!!

Now don't get me wrong, relationships aren't all bad, but it shouldn't be the defining state of my happiness. Yes, I love being someone's girlfriend, but I also just want to be happy as Elle too.

So here I am, back in the driver's seat. And although I am currently in a very happy relationship, this happiness project will be about me, and how I plan on sustaining my happiness, no matter what happens.

Where to begin?

Here's a start... 

1/14/13

I've noticed a change in myself that I haven't before. This loving relationship that I am currently in; it's not all hearts and flowers like I'm used to, though it has its moments. But every time I'm about the throw the towel in and complain for the lack thereof, something happens internally that causes me to take a look at the big picture. And ninety nine percent of the time, the lack of "hearts and flowers" make way for truth and clarity.

But I guess in order to understand how my actions have changed, it is important to understand how they used to be. It used to be that I would fall 'head over heels' for the person. Every single person I've been with was 'The One.' The first few months were filled with compliments and best behaviors. We were the two most accommodating people on the planet, or at least I was, ready and willing to compromise my most deeply held values in order to complement my partner. 

In the book "The Yoga of Relationships." Yogi Desai writes that "The mind can be our worst enemy or our closest friend. It is our choice to use the body and the mind as tools to explore both our human and spiritual potential… It is not beneath our mind to lie to us. Im fact, it lies more often than not. The body - if we listen closely - never lies." As we grow older, our mind uses itself and the body as tools to manipulate pain-avoiding and pleasure-seeking circumstances. 'Pleasure nourishes; but pleasure-seeking malnourishes'"

Two months ago, when I wrote this journal entry, I tapped into a fairly unexplored part of my psyche. The part that seeks out truth, and listens openly and honestly to everything around it. The non-ego part. 

I noticed a shift in my thoughts and feelings, and later, in my actions and reactions. The habits and defense mechanisms that I spent the better part of my life building, stopped working. And after plowing through all of the mind-stuff debris, I was left with one question: What makes Elle happy? 

Thus begins my quest for a happiness that is unique and individual. A happiness that cannot be duplicated nor stolen. A happiness that for once, will be all my own.