Feel good. Feel bad. Feel right. Part I

It usually happens late at night, when I can't sleep. The house would be eerily quiet, amplifying the ticking and tocking of my very dated ikea clock, prompting me to think to myself " I should really replace that." Then it would start, usually with "What am I doing with my life?" which would then transition into "What do I want?" finally accumulating to "What do I have to show for?" In a matter of minutes, I would've gone through the feelings of uncertainty, curiosity, sadness, and finally settling in the massive sea of guilt.

Hi, my name is Elle Randall, and this is my story of how I went from knowing exactly who I was and what I wanted to be, to having absolutely no clue.

The path to happiness is not alway happy.... Ain't that the truth (finally posted on 4/12/15)

It's about 10pm and usually I'm getting ready for bed and clearing my head for the day to ensure a good night's rest. But I just got off of a rather tense phone conversation with my best friend. My mom.

In order for what I'm about to say to make sense, it would help to understand that we've been working mutually on finding and maintaining our individual levels of happiness. Most recently, we've been seeking out the teachings of Dr. Tal's Positive Psychology. It would also help to understand that my mom and I have often done projects like this together, from "The Secret" to author Brian Weiss to Buddhist philosophy. We're a bit hippie and new age that way.

However, she started off the conversation tonight by telling me how sad she felt. She feels that although I have promised her that I would do the work and listen to Dr. Tal's lectures, take notes, then give her my written feedback, I've yet to deliver on my end of the bargain. Naturally my instinct was to counter her accusation with some form of "I have been doing the work, I've just been behind on getting my notes to you." And as I began my counter argument, something inside told me to stop and just listen (something I rarely do with her, can you tell that I'm stubborn?). My inner voice told me that this cycle always begins and ends the same way, so what would happen if I just sucked it up and listened for a change? So I ended up keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself and letting her continue on. And although a few of her harsh criticisms struck very sensitive chords in me, I also learned an invaluable lesson. 

A lot of what my mom had to say was true. I am behind on my "self work" and it is due to no other reason than the fact that I've just simply fallen behind. She's right that I need to whip myself into change if I want to yield results, and in essence hold myself accountable for all of my shortcomings. Yet, her delivery gave off the sense that she was the one holding me accountable. Most of it was hard to hear, but I knew she needed to say it, and for the most part, I needed to hear it. 

Needless to say, the conversation ended on a less than ideal note, but at least we weren't disagreeing with each other until kingdom come. And now I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth, and the need to hide under my covers and type all this out on my phone, so that I could find some sense of relief. 

In the end, I have to thank my mom again for 'keeping it real' and keeping me in check. Also, I have to remind myself that the path to happiness is not always happy. But man, it's not easy not feeling completely drained, discouraged, and useless after one of these chats. Just when I think I'm one step ahead of the game, my mom reminds me that it's still 'not enough.' Well, I guess that's why she's my mom, and why we're doing this 'happiness project' together.

Goodnight Universe, sleep tight. And thanks for listening.

*This post was first written almost a year ago (7/18/14). As I re-read and post it now, I am amazed by how far I've come on this journey or Positivity and Happiness. And I have to say THANK YOU to my awesome mother for not resting until I got the point! And now, I get to share this journey with my mom everyday, and we no longer have to do it over the phone! Thank you Universe! You are AMAZING!

What do I want?

I woke up this morning with an incredible urge to write something down. After the conversation with my mom last night (which took me a good night's sleep to process), I've put aside the feeling of being criticized, and began looking deeper. Deeper at her words? Deeper at my thoughts? I don't know. Just deeper. So maybe this list can bring about some clarification, and hopefully… Change.

-I want to travel. But not just travel for travel's sake. I want to immerse myself in culture, food, and all things new. So maybe it's less that I want to travel, but more like I want to explore.

-I want the study with the great philosophers and teachers in Yoga, Spirituality, Positive Psychology, and Happiness. I want to attend trainings and workshops, and dive headfirst into the in-depth study of the human life, and the human purpose.

-I want to touch people. Whether it's through a yoga class, or with a song and dance. I want to connect with people and make them smile.

-I want to make MONEY DOING what I LOVE: performing, writing, teaching, building, creating, changing, representing…

-I want to build a home and family with my love.

-I want to be close to my family, whether it's living near each other, or visiting often. And I want to travel to Taiwan and Guam at least once a year.

-I want to have more faith in myself and my abilities. I want to believe in myself the way I did when I was seventeen years old.

-I want to have the kind of passion that drives people to do great things!

-I want to live a life full of happiness and gratitude, and I want to spread the practice of happiness and gratitude with everyone around me.

In the Details

“Life is not meant to be wasted.” A phrase we hear often, but too often forget to adhere to. I used to think that in order to not waste life, I always had to be chasing something. But sometimes, I would be so engulfed in reaching the end result, that I would forget the journey completely. Then I would reach the end, and wonder what the point was.

I came to Taiwan with a very simple goal…. to be with the people I love and be present for every moment of it. Sometimes, the being present part was hard, especially when the unforgiving sun would scorch my skin and all I wanted to do was be back in my air conditioned Manhattan apartment, or when tensions rose sky high in our very cozy Zhu Bei home.

Then there was the collective goal that my guru (aka my mom) and I intended for our family trip. Long story short, we set out on a mission to try and spread the word of happiness and our current obsession: positive psychology. Armed with books, videos, gratitude jars, journals, and more vegetables and fruits for juicing than you can imagine, we were determined to change lives.  With only three weeks to “chip away the excess stone,” time was definitely not our best friend.

We started out on a fully charged battery pack of motivation and intention.  As first, excitement ran high and everyone’s positive energy made our mission fairly easy to carry out. One of the first nights that I was in Taipei, us five ladies sat in a tiny café and shared a bottle of wine while sharing each of our individual life altering stories, and why we are on this journey towards a living a happier life. So the goal started out easy, then routines broke and schedules caught up with us. We started running out of time to juice in the morning, because we were already running late for the next engagement. My yoga mat stayed rolled out by my bedside, but I’d be lying if I said I was able to get on it everyday. Soon enough our fully charged battery pack was running on fumes, and the feelings of sluggish-ness started to set in. Turned out this goal wasn’t so easy to reach after all.

It was in those moments of weakness and frustration that my perspective started to shift. I started to ask “What am I missing?” And right there, in the heat, and the rich food, and the high-speed rail, and the rushing, and the talking, and the listening, and the praying, I found my answer. I was missing the details.  I was getting so caught up with how I wanted this journey to go, that I wasn’t allowing the journey to unfold on its own.

So I let go.

I let go of what I expected to happen, and just let the FLOW take over. And it was only after I let go, that things started falling into place. I began enjoying the burgers for breakfast, the gentle breeze on a muggy day, the freedom of not wearing makeup, and the three showers I was taking everyday. Mom finally acquiesced to reading “Eat, Pray, Love” and fortunately got her hands on a Chinese version. Interestingly, on my last day, Auntie Pechuan and I went looking for that book, but found “The Happiness Project” instead. It was as if the books that fell into their laps, arrived at just the right time! I found myself inserting bits of wisdom into moments that I shared with my loved ones. I discovered that this sparked their interest more than when I would dominate entire conversations with positive psychology jargon.  Turns out, this was what Dr. Tal was talking about when he talked about bridging the ‘ivory tower’ and ‘main street.’ People need to relate to the topic first before they willingly subscribe to whatever book, video, or thought you’re selling them. Otherwise, they’ll just smile and accept whatever it is you’re trying to give them, and then let it gather dust on some back shelf somewhere.

Then, just to make sure that I was fully putting my trust in the Universe, I decided to let go of the results too. This was a bit more difficult, because it meant accepting that some of my loved ones would walk away with this newfound insight, and some of them will not.  But this is necessary, because everyone has to put in the effort and do the homework. After all, everyone has to find their “David” on their own. And this “chipping away” is a lifelong process that is exciting and fun and full of … well… LIFE!

After three weeks (that passed by too quickly), two beautiful sightseeing getaways, one bout of heatstroke, and countless moments of laughter and love, I’m happy to say that I’ve accomplished my mission. I came to Taiwan with a goal to share my insights on happiness with the people I love, and I walked away learning that happiness isn’t an end result, it’s in every moment and every breath we take. It’s in the details, because God and Love are right there… in the details.