Where to begin?

Here's a start... 

1/14/13

I've noticed a change in myself that I haven't before. This loving relationship that I am currently in; it's not all hearts and flowers like I'm used to, though it has its moments. But every time I'm about the throw the towel in and complain for the lack thereof, something happens internally that causes me to take a look at the big picture. And ninety nine percent of the time, the lack of "hearts and flowers" make way for truth and clarity.

But I guess in order to understand how my actions have changed, it is important to understand how they used to be. It used to be that I would fall 'head over heels' for the person. Every single person I've been with was 'The One.' The first few months were filled with compliments and best behaviors. We were the two most accommodating people on the planet, or at least I was, ready and willing to compromise my most deeply held values in order to complement my partner. 

In the book "The Yoga of Relationships." Yogi Desai writes that "The mind can be our worst enemy or our closest friend. It is our choice to use the body and the mind as tools to explore both our human and spiritual potential… It is not beneath our mind to lie to us. Im fact, it lies more often than not. The body - if we listen closely - never lies." As we grow older, our mind uses itself and the body as tools to manipulate pain-avoiding and pleasure-seeking circumstances. 'Pleasure nourishes; but pleasure-seeking malnourishes'"

Two months ago, when I wrote this journal entry, I tapped into a fairly unexplored part of my psyche. The part that seeks out truth, and listens openly and honestly to everything around it. The non-ego part. 

I noticed a shift in my thoughts and feelings, and later, in my actions and reactions. The habits and defense mechanisms that I spent the better part of my life building, stopped working. And after plowing through all of the mind-stuff debris, I was left with one question: What makes Elle happy? 

Thus begins my quest for a happiness that is unique and individual. A happiness that cannot be duplicated nor stolen. A happiness that for once, will be all my own.